


three chances

by FabulousPotatoSister



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (...in a way), (and lots of it!), Angst, F/F, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Mind Manipulation, Reader-Insert, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:21:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23293921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulousPotatoSister/pseuds/FabulousPotatoSister
Summary: The Doctor knows pain. She knows it like an old friend - the scars on her hearts are evidence enough of their friendship. But in this moment, the Doctor can't find words to describe her pain right now.
Relationships: The Doctor (Doctor Who)/Reader, Thirteenth Doctor/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 67





	three chances

**Author's Note:**

> i've been on a weird angst train lately! i have no idea why! this is inspired by a prompt given to me by [Whittakerjodie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whittakerjodie/pseuds/Whittakerjodie) the awesome _awesome_ author of one of my favorite fics right now, [Transcendence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22429405/chapters/53590537). please go read it and give her lots of love!
> 
> enjoy the fic!

Pain is not quantifiable. 

They can give someone scales and numbers to measure it with, but there is no number that can truly define pain. Pain is always compared to other kinds of pain. 

The Doctor knows pain. She knows it like an old friend - the scars on her hearts are evidence enough of their friendship. But in this moment, the Doctor can't find words to describe her pain right now.

Of course, words would be difficult to find if the love of your life was tied up in front of you, in the clutches of your worst enemy.

"You have something that I want, Doctor," the Master sneers, his footsteps echoing and layering over one another in the small space. His face is stretched into an impossibly wide smile, growing even wider when the Doctor takes a small step towards you. "Ah. No, no, we can't have that. We can't have that. There has to be an _exchange._ "

You're sitting on the floor with your hands and feet bound. Your chest rises and falls with every shuddering breath you take - for a second, the Doctor breathes with you, feeling your fear wash over the room like a tidal wave. You were just as afraid as she was. 

But your fear isn't present in your eyes. Your chin is still raised, even though your lip trembles, and your eyes burn with bravery - reckless bravery, powered by faith, faith that she had given you. 

"I'll give you three chances. I'm nice like that." The Master raises his hand to trail it down the side of your face and the Doctor's blood boils. He doesn't get to touch you like that - "I'm not nice. But you knew that. Three chances."

"What happens if I use up those three chances?" the Doctor asks, settling into her rage. It was easy to do that around him. "Will you kill me?"

"No. No, that would be too easy for you," the Master says lowly. He leans down next to your bound form, brushing his fingers against your temple - when they make contact you close your eyes and start to shake. "Why do you think you're not the one tied up?"

Dread settles into the Doctor's soul, getting ready to eat her alive, piece by piece. Your eyes open again, and they are hazy, blurred over with unshed tears. "No, don't -"

The Master kneels down. He gathers the strands of your hair, tucking them behind your ears. An action so intimate - the Doctor remembers doing that to you, her hands brushing the skin of your neck - but today that makes her skin crawl. The Doctor watches fear bleed into your dazed eyes. You're shaking harder now, your breaths quickening. "I told you, you have three chances."

"What are you doing?" Be brave, the Doctor reminds herself, be brave. "Whatever you're doing, don't -"

The Master chuckles. "I'm not doing anything, Doctor. Just some cleaning up. I told you death would be too kind for you. But this way..." The smile disappears off his face, his eyes turning dark. "I can really break you."

"You've already tried doing that. Didn't work," the Doctor says, anger still flowing through her veins. She wills it to overpower over her fear.

"Time Lords," the Master muses, letting you lean against his body, "so many abilities. So many gifts. For one... the manipulation of the mind."

The Doctor meets your gaze. You're shivering without any cold, and your eyes are dull and unseeing - but through that, you shake your head.

"I'm not going to take your life away. I'm going to do something much, much worse."

The Doctor hears you cough, and when you speak your voice is rough and wheezing. She blinks at you, her own words caught in her throat. "You don't get it, do you? She's still not going to give it to you."

The Master raises his eyebrows. "Mouthy. I like that. Did you get that from her?"

"No, that's all me," you snark. "But I had a good teacher."

Pride swells in the Doctor's chest. For a second, the Master disappears, and it's just you and her in the room. 

But reality is cruel.

The Master laughs before catching your chin with his hand, making you yelp - the Doctor reaches out, but the Master whips his head around to face her, mouth curled into a snarl.

"Then that's the only thing you'll have left from her," he spits. "S _trike one."_

The Master raises his hands to your temple again, and this time he presses his fingers into your skin hard. A strangled noise of pain escapes your lips, and your body leans even further into the Master's. 

No, not you - the Doctor rushes forward, and she is just in reach of your form before she stumbles, almost crashing into the floor. She catches herself with her hands, the jagged edges of the floor digging into the skin of her palms. That pain is absolutely nothing compared to what she feels seeing you in his arms, slipping away from her.

The Doctor looks up at the Master. They're on the same level now. He's kneeling beside you and she's on the floor. "Stop it. Stop it!"

Her voice climbs to a yell, but the Master just shrugs. "Two chances left, Doctor. Just give me what I want and it will all be over."

You peel your eyes open, squinting, and wriggle in your bonds. "Doctor, what's - what's going on? Where are we?" You sound lost, confusion coating your words - when you turn your head to see the Master, who just smiles, you gasp. "Who - who are you?"

The Master grins, holding your shoulders in place. You struggle against him, and he just grins wider. "Look at that! She doesn't even know who I am anymore. How far back can we go?" 

"Doctor, I don't know what's going on," you say, "but whatever he wants, don't give it to him."

"Do you hear that, Doctor?" the Master croons, still holding your chin. "You do listen to your pets, right? Won't you do as they say?"

The Doctor stops. If she gives the Master what he wants, he sets you free - but she puts lives at risk. If she doesn't, she loses you. Her mouth sets into a hard line. He can't make her do that, he can't make her choose between you or everyone else - but if she chose you, what difference would it make? She could always find another way to stop him -

"No, no!" Your voice breaks the Doctor out of her thoughts. "Doctor, don't do it, do _not_ do it -"

The Master groans, and claps a hand over your mouth. Your voice still comes out, muffled behind his palm. "Enough of this. Well? What do you say?"

The Doctor inhales, pushing herself up to her feet. She sways slightly. She grinds the word out - " _No_."

"No? How could you? Look at what you're doing!" The Master gasps in mock surprise. "I'm kidding, of course. _Strike two_."

You scream when the Master presses his fingers to your temple this time - the sound echoes all throughout the room and through the Doctor's mind. The Master's lips are pulled back, he's baring his teeth like a predator to prey as he forces his way into your mind. He pulls his hand away from your mouth when you scream, and she knows it's because he wants her to listen. 

And she is listening. Your screams find a place in her mind, one that will open its doors much later in her life and haunt her forever. 

It feels like an eternity before your screams die out, tapering into trembling whimpers. 

"Look at what you're doing," the Master echoes, "look at what you've done."

The Doctor can feel it from where she's standing. She can feel the Master's anger, his sardonic joy; she can feel your fear fading away, replaced by utter confusion. 

"D-Doctor," you mumble, and the Doctor feels her knees weaken. She buckles, falling to her knees in front of you, wanting to reach out, to take you back. She might already be too late for that. 

"Oh? You've caught a stubborn one, haven't you?" The Master flicks your forehead. You barely respond. "I tried to go as far back as I could, but you're still in there! This is harder than I thought it would be."

He brushes stray strands of hair away from your face, drenched with sweat and pale. The Doctor never liked taking memories away, but it was always painless. He, however, was making it hurt.

He was hurting you. That hurt more than she could ever imagine, and if he took one more step and took all of her away from you, she would lose you. Forever. 

"Wait," the Doctor manages, " _Wait_! I'll do it. Whatever you ask."

It hurts her pride to say it, but what does she have to lose now? Her pride could be non-existent. Her pride didn't matter right now - all that mattered was getting you out of there and getting you to safety. She would deal with the damage later.

"Why do I find that hard to believe?" the Master murmurs, peering down at your form. "What makes you think I can trust you?"

"I'm kneeling. In front of you. _Please_ -" Please don't do this, please don't take them away from me, please don't just please don't - " _Master_."

The Master pauses, looking at the Doctor, his face screwed up in an expression the Doctor didn't have the energy to read. Something flickers behind his eyes. It could have been pity, or mercy - but the Doctor knew he didn't have that. 

The Doctor was not one for prayer. But she was praying, pleading for a miracle she couldn't grant.

Through all that, she finds your eyes. Eyes that still knew her. You blink, slowly, and somehow understanding dawns on your face. Holding her gaze steady, you shake your head. 

_No. Not for me._

The Doctor almost cries. 

"I caught that," the Master whispers, his mouth twisting into another cruel smile. "Really, Doctor, you don't have to make it so difficult."

This time, the Master laid both of his palms against your temples. "You just used up your last chance. _Strike three._ "

The Doctor looks at you for one final moment. She knows the understanding in your eyes will haunt her forever. The corners of your lips pull into a small smile, so reminiscent of the smile you wore when she had followed Yaz into her apartment for tea, all that time ago. 

When you close your eyes and the Master pushes into your mind, you don't scream. Tears slip out of your eyes, and small whimpers slip out of your mouth, but you don't scream. It's a small mercy. She doesn't deserve that from you. 

The Doctor just watches. She's _failed_ you, and for a moment she wishes she was the one getting her memories erased, so she wouldn't have to feel this pain. 

"Times up," the Master says quietly. He practically drops you as he moves to stand up, brushing his hands against his pants. "I'll come back. I'll keep coming back. I don't think they will, though."

The Master gives one more laugh, and then he disappears.

And then the Doctor's alone.

She scrambles to get to your prostrate body, lying on the floor, the jagged edges of the floor even sharper than before. She rushes to untie your bonds and cradles you in her arms, holding you close to her like she might never be able to do it again.

The Doctor calls your name, once, twice - nothing. Your silence maims, it prods at her hearts, leaving bruises in its wake. 

You look so hollow. The Doctor gazes into your eyes and she finds nothing, no recognition. Your head lolls to one side and the Doctor moves to steady it, letting it rest on her chest. 

You're gone. 

* * *

The Doctor takes you home. 

"There _has_ to be another way," Yaz croaks out, her eyes red. She's the one holding you know, keeping you steady as you stare blankly into space. "There has to be something we can do, Doctor -"

The Doctor clenches her fist, her hearts twisting as she feels new scars being branded upon them. She brings her fist down onto the TARDIS console - the whole room trembles, and the lights flicker and darken. 

" _here's nothing I can do_!" she yells, her fist starting to ache. She pushes it down like she pushes away the rest of her pain. "I'm _sorry_ , alright? But there's _nothing_ I can do." 

"Doc -" Graham starts, and the Doctor nearly growls. He goes quiet.

The TARDIS lands softly inside your flat's living room. The Doctor quietly takes you from Yaz's arms, ignoring the way Yaz's fingers twitch like she wants to keep holding on, and leaves the TARDIS. The fam doesn't follow her out. 

She walks to your bedroom and you shift, seemingly nuzzling into her for warmth - the Doctor feels her hearts burn. A flicker of hope sets itself alight, and she can't breathe for a minute as she sets you onto your bed.

Then she sees your eyes, and that flicker is extinguished. You don't know her anymore, and you never will.

"I'm _sorry_ ," the Doctor whispers, stroking your hair. "I'm sorry, I couldn't - I didn't do anything."

Words won't fix anything. She knows you can barely hear her. But words are all she has right now.

"I know you'll forget this soon, but -" The Doctor pauses, feeling her eyes brim with tears. "I love you. I won't forget that. I love you so much."

The Doctor leans down, and presses a kiss to your forehead. _Sleep_ , she wills, _sleep and have incredible dreams. And when you wake up, be happy. Someone loves you._

She pulls away. You've closed your eyes, your breathing steady, and she takes one last look. One last look at the person she loved so much, and loved her in return. 

_Goodbye_. 

Completely alone, the Doctor lets herself weep.

* * *

_(The Doctor is eerily quiet when she comes back to the TARDIS. She punches in coordinates to send the rest of the fam home - they don't need to see what she's about to do next._

_Pain isn't quantifiable._

_The Doctor will make sure the Master knows pain as well as she does.)_

**Author's Note:**

> big hugs to the awesome peeps at the _thirsting for thirteen_ server, you guys are legends and i love you lots x


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